I think I must not "live right." That's what the grannies used to say. One of my friends told me to "let it be." That must be good advice. I miss my mother. She would have something sensible to tell me about this situation. She would understand and provide the appropriate soothing words to get me beyond this. I was so certain that we were leaving that I bought tickets to a show in Iowa for next April. I was so certain that I woke up every morning with a huge smile in my heart. The uncertainty about jobs and housing didn't bother me. I knew something good was gonna happen. I'm now convinced that I just don't live right. How much of one's all too brief life must be given in service to....? How long does one sacrifice dreams? When does one get permission to live the life that she deserves? Or maybe this IS the life that she deserves.
I will "let it be," but this is a deep, deep wound. It is a deep, deep blow to my spirit, my insides hurt. I am sadder than sad. It seems like I've been crying for years--dean's search, harassment accusation, TBOC, my mama.... I'm pretty tired. I need an attitude adjustment: expect nothing, don't dream, suck it up, go through the motions, pretend that you're just fine, smile always. "Don't worry, be happy." I may not ever speak of this again, but know this: it is ever in my head and my heart.
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Margaret. you are very important person for us. I can only say to count on us. We embrace your decisions and of course we are super, super happy that you are going to be here wiht us for a while. Lovely Margaret.
ReplyDeleteHere's a question: How much of the pain you associate with this place is because of the place, and how much is because of SLU? Will finding a new job and staying in Canton help your spirit, or are you going to end up feeling resentful and thwarted? Is this a pain you can get over, or do you need to go back to Mary and renegotiate your agreement? So much love to you and to Mary.
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