A generalization, but not really. My folks do love Jesus, or so they say. Now before you get started, let me offer my credentials. I come from a family of preachers--two grandfathers, a brother, an uncle, and my mother was, among other things, a hospital chaplain. I grew up in the Black Church. No, I am not Baptist. I grew up in the Christian, formerly Colored, Methodist Episcopal Church. The Black Church represents home to me in a way that nothing else does. I hear the sounds, the low moans of the sisters and brothers as we begin the "wurrship." The music: anthems, spirituals, Dr. Watts, lining, call and response. The formulaic prayers: "Giving honor to God who is the Head of my life..." The swaying in the pews. First Sunday communion.I love the women in all their finery, big hats--dressing up for God, paying respects to "the Lord,'s House." Watch Night. Testimonies. Shouting. Church suppers. Easter "pieces." There are ways in which the Black Church is the only home I know, and there is a HUGE hole in me because I live in a place where that experience, as I know it, is simply not possible.
Having said that, I'm not sure I'd be able to attend a church if one were here. The theology is often troubling, conservative, painful. Literal interpretations of scripture, as if such a thing is possible, often makes for strange bedfellows. Right wing fundamentalist white "Christians," and black "bible believing" Christians have a lot in common. All believe the bible is "divinely inspired." (As an aside, I believe my blog is also "divinely inspired."). All quote scripture when they want to point out the ways in which other people are "wrong." Homosexuality is a big sin, as is abortion. Other more common sins (those which Christians commit with great regularity) are tolerated. Lying, for example. Envy, jealousy, little acts of cheating. Innocuous sins. Those sins "normal" people commit. As if scripture don't suggest that sin is sin--no big or little, just sin. If the bible is divinely inspired, then how do you interpret words from the "divine"?
What troubles me most is the reduction of the complexity of that entity we call GOD. We've made God a cliche:
"He don't put no more on us than we can bear"
"The Lord makes a way out of no way"
"Well, it's God's will."
How y'all know? How can you make God comprehensible to the human mind? If we speak and think of God as an entity that functions exactly as humans do, why do we need it? What's the point? If God is some big white dude somewhere in the atmosphere that's decided who's gonna die at 10:51 p.m. or who's gonna be struck with some dread disease or what war we're gonna fight, or worse yet, who is "the enemy," why I need that? If it seeks retribution just like we do, why do we need it? If it judges harshly and punishes, what's the point?
I make no claims to being a Christian. I don't know what I am, but I do know that I live by a set of principles that demands that I recognize my flaws and faults first; that allows me to embrace those who, like me, are remarkably imperfect and struggling to find a way. I believe that loving others, even those who try me or hate me, is one of the things that I feel compelled to do. I know that I think about the ways in which my life of excess and consumerism is just wrong; that I have way more stuff than I need. I do not believe that I deserve this life. I do not believe that I am here because of "the grace of God," for I believe that if God has grace, there is no reason that it is mine and not the homeless person's or the hungry child's or the immigrant who dies fleeing poverty and in search of a better life. I do not believe that God would create borders, claim that only certain humans are allowed to live in certain parts of the big world it created. If God is God, it ain't smiling on me. Y'all might be, but it ain't. "God's grace" if it exists would be available to every living thing. Humans distribute goods because of "merit." We believe people "deserve" what they have. I do not.
In my opinion, and I mean no disrespect, I see the greatest reflection of love, God's love, if you will, in my dogs. I don't believe that humans are capable of unconditional love. No matter how we try, all human love comes with conditions. The love of my animals does not. They do not judge me. They make incredible expressions of caring. They let me be me. They demand no reciprocity. They don't care where I live or what I do or who I love. Even an abused animal will love its abuser. This is pure love, and it expresses itself without a word. No human. No human is capable of this. It's the "lesser" animals--those without "reason," who, in my humble opinion, have that infinite capacity that escapes and eludes me.
I do admire Jesus, and I suspect many Christians would be better Christians if they studied that life; got a red letter edition of the bible and read the words that Jesus said. Read his biography. The fact of the matter is that what we call Christianity is, more often than not, old testament theology. It's full of vengeance, eyes for eyes, retribution. Heavenly rewards and hell fires and punishments. Abomination. Y'all can have that. I don't want no part of it. I got work to do. Got to fix myself.
I'll take my chances. I'll continue to search and seek. If God is love, then I'll continue to try to understand and comprehend the incomprehensible. I will not, however, subscribe to any theology that includes hatred or "damnation." Any theology that suggests that I've earned some special place in "God's eyes." Any theology that suggests that I am "saved" and others are doomed. Any theology that suggests that God has "smiled on me" and frowns on others. Any theology that suggests that I'm a chess piece on the big board of life--that God is the chess master, moving me and you around at will. No. Nada. That's way too simple for me.
Whatever I am, I hold it in my consciousness nearly every waking hour. I struggle always to be the best human I can be. I fail, and I grieve because I know I fall short time after time after time.
I will never comprehend what this thing called God is, but I do know that most of what I hear it is, it ain't. Perhaps I've made a small step toward something. I have an infinite capacity for forgiveness. Oh yeah, I get mad, bluster, cuss, clown, declare that "I'm done," but I'm never done with anyone. Never done. If you think I dislike you, approach me. Tell me you need something. Ask me for a favor, and see what happens. I've forgiven suicide, incest, abuse, false accusations, character assassination. I've forgiven racism and Jim Crow. Sexism and homophobia. And even when I think I've talked myself into being "done," there's always an occasion that tests that resolve. I'm never done.
Best book title ever? Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. Later.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Margaret, I continue to struggle with church, church folk, and leaders of churches. In many ways I have been hurt and disillusioned by all three. This hurt and disillusionment keep me away from church almost every Sunday. I wonder if my relationship with the Creator is strong enough, and I feel a deep sense of guilt, conviction...every time I hear my grandmother's words, "You should really be in church." I don't know how to overcome that guilt because I get very little from attending church, but even though she is no longer here, I have a deep desire to please her in all I do. My eyes filled with tears as I read today's post. Thank you for helping me see through some of these layers of confusion. Andrea
ReplyDeleteMy favorite theological panacea: God works in mysterious ways. It is tough to argue with an admission of ignorance.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with you regarding the dog part... the domestication of them, the power relation between the owners and the dogs...I am not a dog owner, my sister is and many of my friends are, but I have serious problems in general, with the way they are treated in the West. I am marveled at nature, I respect and try to learn from nature, but it is different, from a special category for dogs. I found unconditional love with my daughter, particularly when she was new born, but I would not put the two in the same category. Anyway, Margarita, thanks again for the wonderful blog. I am looking forward to read your next blog entry.
ReplyDeleteThe relationship between parents and children is also a power relationship. And I'm not equating humans with animals although it is Christianity that makes animals "a little lower than humans," and humans" a little lower than the angels." I agree that I'm sometimes uncomfortable with the ways in which animals are treated in the West, but I equally disagree with the ways in which middle-class children in the West are often treated as the absolute center of the universe. Many children in the world grow happily and healthily without all of the indulgence they receive in this culture, and look at the soaring rates of mental illness among children and youth. Infants may certainly express what appears to be unconditional love, but beyond infancy children have many, many conditions and demands. I hold to my initial position, however, that animals love unconditionally; most people don't. We want to, but I just don't think we can. Under "normal" circumstances, maybe, but not in the extreme. Nope.
ReplyDeleteRight, the "normal" circumstances is the key. What are "normal" when there is no community, there is displacement, and the rsponsibility to fulfill the very human need for love, as Angela Davis puts it, is solely on the shoulders of very few, mainly women with family,and even then, not so much there. When we all, do not take that responsibility of care for each other. What is the "normal" context? what do we aspire for? And yes, my point is there is not such unconditional love and powerless relationship. What do we do with that and that extends beyond one cell, one unit, one "family,"one relationship? I am not idealizing parents-children relationship, but certainly is a very, very powerful one, well, well beyond infancy. I also hold to my initial position but after traveled your thoughts and coming back and see you in me and me in you and then went back to my initial position
ReplyDeleteNo, I did not go back to my initial position. Your blog made me reflect on the respect and care of humanity and nature.
ReplyDelete