FRIENDS AND FRIENDS......

One of my friends thinks I'm profoundly unhappy because I've had a varied and eventful life. She thinks I'm pessimistic. I'm not generally angry. No question but that I'm angry about racism, but I'm also angry about our human acceptance of injustice in general. I suspect many of us who think beyond ourselves and our particular situations are angry. Anger is often appropriate. Conflict is also appropriate. Neither suggests unhappiness. They rather suggest a deep desire to see things change; to see humans be our best selves. Rather than profound unhappiness and pessimism, anger and conflict suggest that I believe that change is possible. As to happiness, I know and experience joy and contentment in a way that, in an earlier life, I never dreamed possible. I've had the good fortune to achieve most of my goals. I have absolutely everything that I need. I have a cranky, loving and loyal partner who loves me fiercely and well. I have two great dogs and a very troublesome cat. I've been all over the world. I have more than two pairs of underwear, so I don't have to wash a pair every night. I have more than two pairs of shoes. I can go to the grocery store and buy any kind of steak I want (if I wanted to). I can go to the dentist regularly. I don't have to work two jobs. When I look out my window I see trees, a river, the steeple of the chapel at my university. I have good and loyal friends who put up with me, and mind you, my friends are all kinds of people from all kinds of places. I have no enemies. I've tried. Doesn't work. (This doesn't mean that some don't view me as their enemy). No matter how hard I try, I'm fundamentally incapable of holding a grudge. There have been times when I've tried really, really hard. I hate no one. I love easily. Trust too easily. I'm acutely aware of my faults and flaws. I'm conscious of the ways in which I need to change. Although I'm not "religious" in that condescending kinda way, I find the life and person of Jesus pretty remarkable. And no, I'm not talking about Jesus as a "divinity." There are others whom I admire and try to emulate: Gandhi. Sojourner Truth. Faulkner. Marcia Thomas, my undergrad roommate. Quakers in general for what I learned from them. Elaine White. Gayl Jones, Doris Stormoen, Andrea Smith, a former student; my sister, Colena Johnson-Kemp. All flawed but remarkably decent people who represent, in so many ways, the woman I'd like to be. I'm still becoming. Not done. I like that about myself.

I hate hurting people, but I also recognize that it happens sometimes. I can ask for forgiveness. Apologizing is neither difficult nor distasteful. I do not apologize for who I am or being me. I've been cured of that. It took me a very, very long time to like myself--lots of years and a good bit of "seat time" with a counselor. I've arrived. It's often difficult in this kind of setting. I have to withstand the criticisms: too harsh, too forthright, too hurtful, too too. I have to withstand the losses as well. Of course I'm pained by the losses, but I have to put them in perspective. As I review the responses to my anger of late, I can put them into a few categories: There are those who believe they are the "targets" of the anger, and they're right.....but not really. The system, institutional racism, is the real target. But institutional racism is moved along by collaborators and facilitators. Ironically, they see themselves as "our" biggest champions. Those women, for they have been the inspiration for my anger, are likely losses. They are seething in silence. I'm confident that they are, for the most part, losses. I can name them one by one. They have the most to lose since so much of their identity depends on being "progressive" and "liberal." If I (and I mean we) don't accept it, then that's complicated. There are two choices: Engage me or dismiss me. Most choose to dismiss. "Friendships" done. They are very, very angry.

Other friends, concerned about my use of the term "white liberal," owned the designation. I explained why most didn't fall into the category. Yes, they are both liberal and progressive. No, they are not "white liberals," a term for which I'm developing a publishable definition. They are good people who care enough to reach out, to ask, to wanna know. Nothing at stake. No relationship held in the balance. Just "hey, that's me?" Nope. Not you. Liberal? Yes, but not that. Friends? Yes, indeed.

The third category are those who know so well that they're not implicated that they read, chuckle, comment and encourage the blog. These women (and a man or three) just get it. They just get it. They're not threatened or defensive or angry. They are absolutely secure. They love me, understand in some inexplicably profound way, and support me in my efforts to expose racism and promote and advocate change. To do what I'm compelled to do. Friends with few conditions.

So I got mad love and mad joy and mad contentment. Just do!