THOSE WHO WALK IN DARKNESS..........

Shadows......the death of someone dear; a close friend who faces serious surgery and hadn't a clue that she was ill; silences; a life and spirit in transition. I've been thinking about my relationship to money, and at least twice last week, a friend asked directly: "What do you get from giving?" I chuckled, but I decided to consider the question seriously. Family and others have often questioned why I give so much--literally. Particularly when I have often come up short when I need or desire. I sat and attempted to calculate a rough estimate of the dollars that I had donated or given away just in a 5 year period--thousands, literally thousands of dollars--mostly dollars that I didn't have and still don't. So I've decided to ponder the why of it, particularly as I'm moving to a stage where I'm taking account of what life (if I indeed live) during retirement will be. In other words, I'm taking money seriously for the first time ever. Well, sorta. Once you hire a financial planner, then you've pretty much got to deal with finances--like it or not.

This is what I know: I don't give because I expect something in return. I don't give to make people like me. I don't give so that others will think I'm a "good person." Most of my giving happens discretely. These reasons explain why I don't, but they don't answer why I do. Or, more important, why giving is often expected of me. I suspect most folks who are unfamiliar with academe think professors make "a lot of money." NOT! Perhaps others just assume that certain types of people just have it. Those who are childless, for example. Ain't necessarily so. There are all kinds of obligations and responsibilities that require as much or more than children.

Although I'm in the initial stages of really sorting this out, it seems to me that at least part of the giving relates directly to my Christian upbringing, though I'm not sure I would define myself as such now. I do believe that whatever we have must be shared with those who have less than we. I'm a sucker for a hard luck story because I've had so many of my own. I've been the recipient of so much generosity. I feel compelled to do for others what has been done for me. Few things give me great joy or pleasure than to help another person in some small way. But what about those who don't need? What about the stuff that I do for those who are far more financially solvent than I? This is the giving that I don't get.

Perhaps I don't believe in the value of money, or maybe I think about it in the wrong way. For example, the only time money has mattered is when I didn't have any. In the old days when I couldn't pay all my bills or lived from paycheck to paycheck, I was obsessed with money--and even then, I gave money away. As I write it becomes clear to me that the basic question is why I'm willing to deprive myself in order to give to someone else. Now that's complicated. Haven't pondered long enough to come to any conclusion, but it seems to lie at the heart of my lifelong battle with giving too much and having too little or depriving myself to make someone else happy.

What I'm beginning to realize is that people don't mind taking from one who is willing to give. So let me put this in another way: I'm beginning to feel that I've allowed myself to be used and taken advantage of. For example, there are those who have reaped the consistent benefits of my generosity (or foolishness) and never once attempted to do anything for me. And I don't mean giving me money. Anything-- a meal, a phone call, a trinket of some sort. Or a word: "You've done something nice for me." Perhaps a thank you note?

In retrospect, I am learning that for every shameless giver, there is a shameless taker, and takers will continue to take for as long as givers give. As I've thought about a giving life, I'm annoyed, maybe angry at those who have taken because they could rather than because they were in need. The guy who borrows $500. and goes on a lavish vacation two weeks later.

I've declared that I'm going to cultivate some healthy selfishness, and while I'm learning, I'm gonna keep on thinking about my motivations. While I don't imagine that I'll change completely, I think I'll be much more discriminating in the years to come. People who love you will not let you give until you hurt. That's the first lesson that I've learned in two short days. I'm sure there's more to come.....

All in all, I marvel at my life. I have every, single thing that I need. Everything. I stand in awe of that reality. There is no material thing that I want. Not one thing. Sometimes I wish I wanted something just because... I guess that's why I don't understand the rich. What does Bill Gates DO with that money? Or Oprah? And please don't tell me about their philanthropic ventures; they still have enough left to buy the universe. Why do they need all that money? Why do they keep making money? What is left to buy? Why not just give it all away after you've bought all there is to buy and spent all there is to spend and left huge sums to children and family? I just don't get it 'cause my friend still died and the other is having surgery tomorrow, and all the money in the world won't change the aspects of life that really matter.