WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE YOU?

My father, the Reverend Daniel Webster Bass, is largely responsible for me being me. When Danny and I were children in Jacksonville, Florida, Daddy would demand that we not follow the "rules" of our culture. For example, we were not permitted to pledge allegiance to the flag because Daddy said the pledge was a lie. "There is no liberty and justice for all in this country. Do Negroes have liberty? We will not lie." He told us to drink out of "white" water foundations, and he took us to the "white" library for story hour. When the librarian asked suggested that we go to the Wilder Park Branch Library (the "colored" library), my dad refused: "I have brought my children to THIS library, and we will attend the story hour." He demanded that we break one of the sacred rules of the South. Children always said yes, ma'am and yes sir to adults, but not us. Nope. Daddy said: "You will call no person ma'am or sir." And this: "No one can tell you that you may not go to the bathroom. If you ask your teacher, and she says no; if you really HAVE to go, you must simply leave the room." When we reminded our father that we were getting beaten (literally) and punished for our breaking of the rules, he held us tightly and told us that we could not live a lie; we could not follow an unjust rule just because it was a rule. And so, we suffered, and we were called names by teachers and students. Our childhood was harder because of our father's positions, but we saw him suffer as well. He did what he asked us to do. Daddy was our example. He also did other things. Our home was open to all manner of strangers--folks who had no homes or food. Daddy would give his last to help someone. He was one of the best humans I've ever known, and though I later learned that he was not my biological father, I never, ever doubted his love for me. Though I lost him very early in life, my father remains one of my all time heroes and examples.

I've received lots and lots of private support for the sentiments I've expressed regarding the "involuntary separations." I appreciate that support, but I wonder why it's private and not public? I'm obviously referring here to faculty support; others are vulnerable. What's at stake? If you support the positions privately, why not publicly? I ask because you must know that I've received harsh criticisms from administrators and their minions. Can you imagine how it would help (and I'm not only referring to me here) if all the voices joined together? Is it popularity? Losses? Fear? All? I'm less inclined to feel good about the "private" support because it really doesn't help the cause. I just don't get it. Or maybe I do. We want people to like us. We want to be one of the gang. We don't want to be the nut or the complainer or the person who stands apart. No one wants to be alone and lonely. I don't want to either, but I simply don't know how to be anyone but me. In other words, this is my life. I want all the things that other humans want, but there are certain compromises that I refuse to make for the sake of popularity or friendship. And ultimately, real friendship doesn't depend on one's passions or commitments.

I'm living in a world of increasing silence--the silences of those who just want me to shut up and disappear; the silences of "friends" who are angry or wounded or upset, and retreat into angry and passive silence rather than engaging and speaking. In other words, my world in the north country continues to shrink. I ponder the losses. At another time, I would have wept, pursued those who expressed their anger by not speaking or simply pretending that we never had a relationship. Now, however, my spirit won't let me pursue them any longer. I know what it means to love and to forgive and to apologize, but I can't ask forgiveness unless I know what I've done. If you choose to let me go without word or warning or explanation, then I will accept that. Ultimately, if the relationship meant anything, it would be worth saving, so, despite my questions, I will bid a silent farewell to those "friends." The numbers continue to rise.

When I began this piece, I thought I was going to say that I would just give up. Remove my blog. Be quiet. Concern myself with my own life and that of my family. Forget everyone else. Stop making people angry and uncomfortable. Stop worrying about those who have written to tell me that I don't know anything or I'm an asshole or I have an axe to grind or I'm a nut. All of this may be true, but I have to live in a way that I can live with myself. Majority opinion doesn't make it the right opinion. The way it is isn't always the way it should be. So I take it back before I say it. I'm just gonna keep on keeping on even if my north country world shrinks to one, but it won't shrink to one. I've got 4-5 folks who are like family to me. No, they don't always agree. We sometimes have knock down drag out fights, but at the end of the day, we express our love and caring. So rather than listen and concentrate on those who leave, I'm going to spend my energy on those who remain in friendship and love. And I'm gonna just keep on speaking as the spirit moves me. May peace be with you.